WHY DO I CONSTANTLY FALL FOR THE DUDES WITH THE MOST BAGGAGE! MY GOOOODDDD
WHY DO I CONSTANTLY FALL FOR THE DUDES WITH THE MOST BAGGAGE! MY GOOOODDDD
I graduate some form of secondary education, finally in two weeks, I’m hopefully moving in with one of the few friends of mine I could live with in three weeks, (in which I still havent told my family), and my heart was absoutely shattered a month ago, and I still feel never showing my face again…
But I’m drinking cider and smoking a bowl doing hw outside in gorgeous Minnesota weather on a Sunday morning, and I’m appreciative to still be alive, I guess.
I had my second ride along last Tuesday, and we responded to an older gentleman in a moto/car accdient on 94/280; a year and 3 days after my own dad was in an automobile accident that broke his neck and back, the main reason why I wanted to check out EMS careers; it was extremnely humbling and made me thankful for how healthy my family, and myself truly are. I’m not perfect, nor would I ever claim, because I can still have my own limbs, and not take daily medication…but when you’re cyutting the clothes off a man who is telling you he doesnt want to die, and bleeding out of his head, and knowing your own father was in the same position, it makes you check yourself;
even with the last month of being sick to my stomach because I was so enotionally hurt and then having to practice in my head in a 7min ride to the hospital thinking of how I’d tell this mans daughter, made me completely forget about my own trust issues I have from ex boysfriends, crushes, friends, PARENTS, bosses, teachers, professors, the MEDIA, haha, the only thing that came to my mind was how to say “goodbye.”
but I’ve always struggled with goodbyes. Thats why I’m depressed now. I dont want to say goodbye to the relationship I’ve worked so hard to get.
I dont want to graduate and say goodbye to school, and be stuck not knowing what the fuck I’m doing again for another four years.
I dont want to say goodbye to my family, when I’m only moving a mile away, and then fight with them everyday about how I moved out.„But I need to say goodbye to them,so I can grow up!
I just dont like change, and goodbye, and trust issues are mnain reasons of change in life.
I just dont know what to do and how to deal with life.
“Empathy is the poor mans cocaine; and Love is just a chemical, by any other name.”
- Eyedea&Abilities ‘Burn Fetish”
Love is just a chemical. Nothing else. It is an addiction; a depressant, a stimulant, and its a bloodrush to the head. As much as it hurts so bad, emotionally, at times, we all take the risk of it turning into physical hurt; heart break: the same thing your everyone warned you about when you told them about your new “lover.”
I can honestly admit to the internet world, that I’m addicted to this rush; its like I constantly have a guy in mind for my flirting. I usually get hurt; not because I’m such a bad person, not because I’m going after people who are completely out of my league; I get to addicted to the high, and suddenly try and submerge myself into the chemical my body is creating, and rush things. Which leads to my failure.
I’ll find my guy who provides me with enough phenethylamine to get by. :)
Thunderstorms roll right through
And I lose all motivation with you
I don’t know if I should even try
Especially with the continuation of clouds rolling by
Our forecast is sunny one day
Windy the next
You change your mind like the Temperature
All I can do is dress for the weather
And hope the outlook gets better
You don’t see tears
While standing in the rain
And our smiles look the best
In all of the rays
Hold me in the freezing below
So when we kiss
Our boots will meet
Toe to toe
But oh baby, baby
When the sky turns blue
All I know is I want to be lying in bed
Right next to you
This is me starting fresh; me learning the hard way that nothing is ever secret. Nothing can ever be “just yours…” even one’s personal feelings.
After years, (5+) of posts on my original “Ava and Aladdin” Tumblr blog, I had original artwork from photos, fashion design, poetry… as well as my most heartfelt, deepest emotions on computer screen as a way to vent; as way to express myself to the world, and maybe be able to understand the world a little better by blogging. It had been going swell for years… Few friends knew about my page, no family, no one from work, so I thought I’d be able to EXPRESS myself vaguely without ever being put in one of the deepest depressions of my life.
But, you know, Tumblr? When your track record makes you look like the top side chick in North Americas, could I ever blog happy? Nope. I seem to always find myself “Dating…”I’m sorry, “SEEING” men who are;
a) “single” (single want nothing at all but possibly sex)
b) “Single” (Guy and their girlfriend are on a “break”- but still wants sex and to treat you like their unofficial “gf”…until the break is over..)
c) “In a relationship” (Blowing up my phone when their gf is out of town…for possible sex)
And you know what? I’m sick of being the judged female in every situation; after these guys get stuck, I’m always the bad person. Girlfriends hate me. Friends hate me, and I’m just left to sit back and wonder, if I did do something wrong.
After my most recent “misunderstanding” of feelings expressed towards someone, I give up on all this dating shit.
I hate people. I hate that because I’m honest I’m clingy or crazy. I hate that whenever I’m laid back and don’t push a relationship, I get hurt. I hate that when I do start to fall, I find out I’m the side chick. I hate my luck. I hate the internet for making it so fucking easy to assume and judge someone by vague descriptions, and vague 140 tweets. I hate that the internet, and the tools I’ve used for years to keep this much hate suppressed, is literally the exact tools that just destroyed my aspirations. I hate that I’m on stomach ulcer medications because of the drama. I hate that I have this much hate and sadness in my heart the last month; I HATE JULY.
I hate that I’m broken as a person once again; all over the same bullshit, and the lame lies I believed. The lame shit I believe every fucking time a “nice” guy comes around.
I need to gain my balance back.
I need Kayla back.
More than the mailman could ever deliver
More than an email could ever send
More words than a text message could display
More music than once you press play
More smiles than a dentist
More heart throbs than a People Magazine
More miles than the oldest car you could find
More elegant evenings
More sleepy mornings
More crazy days
More creative ways
More things to activate
More ideas for romantic dates
More excuses to stay up late
More conversations to articulate
More Ink to pen
More pen to paper
More memories to bring up again
More tears that have built up over the years
More pictures for your walls
More kisses for your lips
More holding of my hips
More walks in the park
More sneaking out after dark
More hands to hold
More eyes for you to control
More than any other girl before
More than you could even imagine
More arguments about this;
More hints for you to see
That no one has more for you than me.
- kf 4/27/2010
Good night text, good morning call
A question and answer
Exchanges of Yes’s and No’s
Departure arrivals, and pick up times
Checking balances, and ATM withdrawals
Blunts here, and stop for drinks there
Sit on a seat, or lean on the rail
White smile and green eyes
He seems tough, and she’s a bit delicate
Drunken actions on sober thoughts
Laugh it off, and lay it on
Go away, but yet stay near
Strong emotions, challenge weak impulses
Parked up front, we’ll talk in the back
Their disappointments, and another’s respects
It all becomes the other, but falls apart to the same
The good and the bad, happy and the sad
Its all opposites anyways
Even if we’d rather be the same based on the situation
Single and Attached
Taking a step or falling back
Him and Her
She and He
You and me.
- kf 2/8/2010