This is me starting fresh; me learning the hard way that nothing is ever secret. Nothing can ever be “just yours…” even one’s personal feelings.
After years, (5+) of posts on my original “Ava and Aladdin” Tumblr blog, I had original artwork from photos, fashion design, poetry… as well as my most heartfelt, deepest emotions on computer screen as a way to vent; as way to express myself to the world, and maybe be able to understand the world a little better by blogging. It had been going swell for years… Few friends knew about my page, no family, no one from work, so I thought I’d be able to EXPRESS myself vaguely without ever being put in one of the deepest depressions of my life.
But, you know, Tumblr? When your track record makes you look like the top side chick in North Americas, could I ever blog happy? Nope. I seem to always find myself “Dating…”I’m sorry, “SEEING” men who are;
a) “single” (single want nothing at all but possibly sex)
b) “Single” (Guy and their girlfriend are on a “break”- but still wants sex and to treat you like their unofficial “gf”…until the break is over..)
c) “In a relationship” (Blowing up my phone when their gf is out of town…for possible sex)
And you know what? I’m sick of being the judged female in every situation; after these guys get stuck, I’m always the bad person. Girlfriends hate me. Friends hate me, and I’m just left to sit back and wonder, if I did do something wrong.
After my most recent “misunderstanding” of feelings expressed towards someone, I give up on all this dating shit.
I hate people. I hate that because I’m honest I’m clingy or crazy. I hate that whenever I’m laid back and don’t push a relationship, I get hurt. I hate that when I do start to fall, I find out I’m the side chick. I hate my luck. I hate the internet for making it so fucking easy to assume and judge someone by vague descriptions, and vague 140 tweets. I hate that the internet, and the tools I’ve used for years to keep this much hate suppressed, is literally the exact tools that just destroyed my aspirations. I hate that I’m on stomach ulcer medications because of the drama. I hate that I have this much hate and sadness in my heart the last month; I HATE JULY.
I hate that I’m broken as a person once again; all over the same bullshit, and the lame lies I believed. The lame shit I believe every fucking time a “nice” guy comes around.
I need to gain my balance back.
I need Kayla back.